This Road I’m On
Let’s face it…2012 sucked.
I thought 2011 sucked, and in some ways, 2011 did suck pretty hard. But for the most part, 2011 was full of joy, full of wonder, full of hope.
2012 was consistently, entirely, completely full of suck and fail, and by the time we were 8 months in, I was beaten, battered, and completely destroyed.
But you know? 2013 is going to be much, much better. Thanks to some wonderful people who picked me up when I was fallen down and glued me back together when I was completely broken, 2013 is going to be like a better version of 2011, full of hope and promise and joy and life.
I’m going to be honest, because I pride myself in being honest on this blog–in part because part of the mission of having this blog is to present an honest, informative, realistic portrait of Down Syndrome parenting to the world at large (as opposed to a fluffy, sunshine and rainbows portrait of Down Syndrome), and in part because it actually makes me feel a hell of a lot better–for the first time since Sarah was a newborn, last month made me really hate the fact that she has Down Syndrome. Because I did a bad thing. I began to blame Down Syndrome for all of the things that happened. If Sarah didn’t have Down Syndrome then she wouldn’t have gotten cancer (not true). If Sarah didn’t have Down Syndrome and cancer then maybe Dec wouldn’t have gotten so stressed out and he wouldn’t have left us (okay, maybe true…but aren’t I better off without him if that’s the case? YES). If Sarah didn’t have Down Syndrome I could have a second child and go to college and all of the millions of other things I desperately wanted to do that I couldn’t–or thought I couldn’t–because Sarah had Down Syndrome. I was beginning to become bitter and resentful about Down Syndrome and how it was affecting my life.
There’s still a part of me that resents Down Syndrome for what it did to my life, but things are working out. I’m not trapped in a city I hate, alone and scared…I’m moving back home at the end of the month. I’m not going to be stuck in a dead end job with the end goal of strictly supporting Sarah. I’m going to university in January of 2013 to study science and, eventually, genetics.
And Sarah? Sarah is doing wonderfully. Sarah just started crawling…and saying “papa”. The word is teeming with possibilities for both Sarah and I, and I can’t wait to see where the road we’re on leads us.