Sarah Defies Gravity

what one little chromosome taught me about love, life, and defying gravity.

Stuff…I’m going to miss you.

Moving from a spacious house into a less-spacious apartment means that we’re having to put a lot of our stuff into storage, so yesterday, we rented a UHaul and put everything we won’t need into storage. Our house is oddly empty now, and it’s weird, because I barely noticed that stuff while it was here, and now that it’s gone, it’s glaring at me. But you know…once we’re moved into the new place and adjusted, I probably won’t even notice that the stuff is gone, because everything is right where it should be in that new place.

But I thought that presented an interesting parallel for my mindset lately. I’ve been kind of wallowing in (a large, deep pool) of self-pity the last few days. I’m tired, stressed out, and even though we’ve found GREAT care providers for Sarah, it’s still a giant headache getting her care transferred and making sure that she doesn’t go too long without therapy (although in NY, we’ll be getting in-home therapy…cool!), and slowly starting to dip my toes into exploring the possibilities of working (on a logistic level, it’s just not going to work now. Maybe when Sarah is in school and getting some of her services through the school), and I find myself growing resentful.

I hate that DS makes everything harder, and I hate myself for thinking that it makes everything harder. I should have enough perspective to think DS is a piece of cake. At least I haven’t had to spend any time with her in the PICU. At least she will have a meaningful, independent life. At least…blah blah blah. It still sucks, let’s be honest.

Because it’s just like the stuff that I put into storage. I expected something different. I got used to that idea, and then, when I was good and used to that idea–when I forgot that stuff was there–I put it in storage, and I got something completely different. And right now, it’s pissing me off, because I’m still thinking about the stuff that used to be there.

But one day, when I’ve been living in this apartment for a little while, I won’t even remember that stuff. I’ll forget it ever was here, because I’ll be enjoying this stuff so much.

I’m just not quite there yet, and that’s okay. Right?

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8 thoughts on “Stuff…I’m going to miss you.

  1. Debbie on said:

    When we have to make decisions because of things OUT OF OUR CONTROL, it is easy for us to be pissed off about it and to feel sorry for ourselves. We feel “victimized” because our decisions are really not what we want to do, but most often we have to choose between the lesser of two evils.

    Not to mention, when we are overstressed, we grasp for the smallest of things to hold onto, in an attempt at self-preservation.

  2. Yep. Absolutely okay. Sarah’s still so young and this can be a tough process. Hoping things feel better as you get settled. Transition times are difficult enough, but this has been a very insane year. So understandable.

  3. #1, How did I miss that you guys live(d?) in San Francisco, my very most favorite city in the world. Ever.

    #2, So excited for you guys for this next chapter in NYC. You’ll have a blast, and I’m sure Sarah will do great. Plus, you get to keep your family together. Win!

    #3, In home services are WONDERFUL. I love it.

  4. Melissa on said:

    I absolutely love this sentiment! There are times when I read things that make it seem as though I should embrace the DS more, when really there are so many times when it really does just SUCK! Tera is 8 months old and while we had little to worry about when she was first born, in the past few months issues developed and with her being in daycare it seems she’s sick constantly. Sometimes I feel I’ve gone backwards in my acceptance.
    But I absolutely LOVE your comparison to “stuff”; it’s dead on…

  5. I’m so there with you. Many days, I feel should be grateful my child is alive (sadly, I’ve had several friends who’ve lost children this year) or that he doesn’t need surgery or have any major medical complications and that I shouldn’t be stressing about T21. And sometimes I actually get there.

    But I have quite a few days when I wallow in self-pity and despise the fact that everything will likely be harder for us as a family because of T21 and because of my other son’s autism. Some days it just seems so unfair – but then I try to remind myself that it’s just life. Everyone wants a “perfect”, easy one, but very few get it. My goal in life is to find happiness with what I’ve got and what’s actually attainable to me. My hope is that once we’re a little futher along in this journey, it will be easier to forget about it on a regular basis and just go on enjoying each other…

  6. Jessica on said:

    I ❤ you Christopher! I just wanna give you a big hug…. the way you are feeling is TOTALLY okay. Congrats on the move, you are all going to have such an amazing time. Keep updating, I'm excited to hear how you like life in the city!! (this is Jess from BBC… babyavie)

  7. Jennifer Horner on said:

    Hi Chris,
    I wish you were going to be here to experience our Ds babies group here in SF! I hope you have a wonderful time in new York. I love your blog.
    Take care,
    Jennifer

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